Main. Main. Main.

The recent BJP advertisement that depicts Rahul Gandhi as an expectant groom telling the potential bride how he has partners from across the nation (the INDIA bloc partners) who then proceed to fight as to who will be the bridegroom in the wedding, at which point the ad ends with asking the viewer if they can trust a coalition that has no clear PM’s face is in bad taste, misogynistic, and only worth WhatsApp forwards for a bit of a laugh, and not to convert serious voters, specifically the fence-sitters, towards which it is seemingly targeted.

From a marketing perspective, it is also rather odd that an established number 1 brand is creating negative advertising against a challenger number 2 brand. Brands do not behave that way unless they are full of insecurity and fear that their place at the top of the pyramid is being threatened. The opposition is right to ridicule it.

But, and this is my opinion, the opposition will be wrong to ignore it. I believe strongly that it is imperative that the INC and INDIA bloc come out with their version of the same. Why? Do they have to answer every barking dog, every allegation, and every bit of mud slung at them? No. But that is not, unfortunately for this democratic nation, how Indian politics works nowadays. Elections are won and lost on WhatsApp forwards, on viral Instagram reels, and on slips of tongues (or clicks of buttons). It is tragic that this is so. But it is what it is.

So, what sort of ad can the INC make to counter this narrative of ‘too many grooms spoil the wedding’? Here is my suggestion:

1. The exact same situation, but with a Narendra Modi lookalike, surrounded by people whose faces are all hidden in the dark.
2. The exact same bride, with everything else the same at the bridal end.
3. The potential bridegroom is an SM influencer.
4. He proceeds to talk about his follower count, his viral reels, his costume changes, his photogenic face, how he uses every occasion to get the best angles and shots, how his followers are in love with him and how they appreciate all the hard work he has to put in it, even if, as he continues conspiratorially, they don’t know how fake it is all…but then, he continues in a more confident tone, he has always believed in faking it till you make it. He believes, for example, that to appear educated, you don’t need to go to college; you just need a degree, and that problems go away if you lie about them (‘न कोई आया…‘) or ignore them by never taking questions, or tell them to go to Pakistan! He speaks of his travels (he’s gone everywhere, except some really remote places like Manipur), his reality shows with international stars, and his acting ability (he demonstrates by crying on cue and then creepily smiling as bride cringes). There can be a moment of silence where he fumbles, looks lost and confused and starts speaking gibberish until someone gets up and adjusts the teleprompter from which he is reading it out.
5. He continues to tell the bride about what a great husband he will make, how he will start becoming more responsible and making money as soon as he gets married (currently, he is living by selling off the furniture and clothes because the jewellery and valuables he already sold some time ago), how he will never raise his hand on her, since even if she were a puppy (you know, a puppy, he would say eyeing her creepily) and he had to hit her, he’d be sad about it, he says as he slaps and kills a fly on his thigh. The bride looks horrified.
6. He then says that if she’ll marry him, he’ll promise to take care of her. But if she didn’t…he’d look around and wonder where all the wealth in the bride’s family has come from, and if let us say, hypothetically, the income tax or ED were to raid it, if they’d find something amiss. Of course, he would continue with a toothy grin that they’d have nothing to worry about since she’d be married to him. The bride’s family looks scared. Every time he says IT, ED, and CBI, one by one, the faces in the dark behind him are revealed. They are all Narendra Modi. And they are smirking evilly.
7. So, he says, ‘बात पक्की समझें?’ And with a pause, he follows it up with, ‘या फिर?…..’ Looking ominously around the home. The bride’s family quickly agrees. ‘हाँ, हाँ, बिलकुल!’
8. He then gets up with a varmala. The bride gets up, coyly carrying the varmala, as he moves towards the bride, crossing over around the table to her side. Everybody looks expectantly.
9. And then…he pushes the bride aside and stands in her place.
10. He then looks triumphantly at every other Narendra Modi and declares, ‘दूल्हा भी मैं, दुल्हन भी मैं। मियां भी मैं, बीवी भी मैं। पंडित भी मैं, काज़ी भी मैं। रिश्तेदार भी मैं. बाराती भी मैं। मैं ही मैं। दुनिया का सबसे यशस्वी दूल्हा, as per UNSECO. चारो तरफ मैं। बस मैं ही मैं। मैं ! मैं ! मैं !’
11. The camera pans out, revealing everyone except Modi has become a sheep, bleating, ‘मैं ! मैं ! मैं !’ There is no one left except a lonely figure in the corner. She is a Jasodaben lookalike, and she has a horrified expression on her face.
12. Cut to the Lotus symbol. ‘जो लोग अपनों के नहीं हो सके, वह देश के क्या होंगे?’, fade out to the INC palm of the hand symbol. ‘मैं नहीं, हम!’

Yes, yes, I know: (a) the INC has no money or creativity to make this; (b) the INC has no guts; and (c) the ‘मैं नहीं, हम!’ slogan is old. So, I know this won’t fly.

But it was worth thinking about. And chuckling at how easy it would have been to counter their silly video. If only they wanted to.