Some things I learnt as I grew up: When you are in a relationship with someone (obviously, with mutual consent and without dishonesty), their other relationships are not your problem or concern. They are theirs.
What do I mean by that? Given my own past, I am instinctively repelled by adultery or any sort of dishonesty in relationships. But my moral compass says that if out of mutually agreed-upon monogamous partners, one is cheating with another person, the non-cheating partner has the moral authority to blame at most their cheating partner for the breach of contract and demand rectification or nullification (with the appropriate reparations, as per law) and has no right or reason to hold the person their partner is cheating with responsible for the alleged infraction as seen from their (the monogamous couple’s) side.
Complicated? Let me explain with an example. Imagine husband H and wife W are in a monogamous relationship. W cheats with person P. H finds out. In my moral code, the most H can blame for breaking of their vow is W and not P. Because P never gave either of them any promises. Also, to blame P would mean depriving W of agency and the ability to consent. That is simply silly. And unrealistic.
P should be left out of the equation altogether. It is not P’s duty to safeguard the relationship between H and W. H and W need to sort their shit out themselves. P was in a mutually consensual relationship and if anyone, they must answer to anyone else they may have been in a monogamous contract with, if any. If P is single, there is nothing to be ashamed of or be sorry about. Any hurt H feels is W’s doing. Not P’s.
I am sure there’ll be a hundred different reactions to this post, because we all have slightly differing moral compasses, where while we may agree on the fundamentals, we could quite easily differ on the details by a substantial margin.
But I’ve led my life in this fashion. I have never seen P as the villain. Indeed, I do not even see W as a villain as much as I see them as selfish. Indeed, I have maintained that if you must hide a relationship, for whatever reason, or conduct your dealings under the dark cloak of secrecy, you shouldn’t be in the relationship to begin with. And as per that dictum, P did nothing wrong. There is no reason for H to hold a grudge against P. Nor is there reason for any baggage of guilt to be carried by P. P, in this situation, may or may not be blameless (depending on whether P was the reason for the breakup of the monogamous relationship or if, when P came upon it, it was already in ruins irrespective of P’s existence or subsequent involvement). But all I say is that when H and W sit down to deal with their shit, P need not be part of that discussion, or the aftermath thereof.
The trigger for this post was a video shared by Times Now on Instagram and my sympathies with the married man’s girlfriend. I thought, “Why is she getting beat up? What’s her fault? Why is she seen as the ‘home wrecker’?” I reckoned it had something to do with her gender. Maybe that too. But generally, I have seen those that are cheated upon believe that the person their partner cheated them with must shoulder some (or all) blame. And to that, I say, balderdash! That person owes you nothing. If your relationship broke down irretrievably, the fault lies with you and your partner. Don’t try and deflect the heat from the real issues.
Full disclosure: A (very beautiful and very smart) woman I am very fond of is married. I was a little queasy about it (because I could sense the affection proceeding to something serious if not checked) until she looked me dead in the eye and told me in a matter-of-fact manner, “Kedar, my marriage is my problem. Not yours.” and I realised that I agree with her and always have, even though I have never found myself to be on this side of the equation before!
