The more things change...

Every year, our respected Finance Minister, Nirmalaji Sitharaman, presents the Union Budget. I have prepared a list of suggestions for the longest-serving Finance Minister of India to consider when she prepares the budget next year. I hope she reads this and finds some of the suggestions useful in her quest to make India into a developed superpower by 2047, a dream I share with our most successful, revered, visionary, divine, and worshipworthy (as per UNESCO) Prime Minister, Shri Narendrabhai Modiji.

Tax everyone. And I mean E. V. E. R. Y. O. N. E.

I think we need to have some sort of non-income tax on those not earning enough or not employed at all. It should be like the Minimum Alternate Tax (MAT) that governments levy on corporations that show no taxable income. Maybe something that takes the Per Capita Income of our country (Rs 212,000) and presumes that every citizen is earning that much and then charges a small tax (say 10%?) on it. That, and the compliance costs, should ensure that it becomes more economical taxation-wise, to be employed than unemployed and force all the lazy, educated Indians to work harder to get jobs. This will solve the unemployment problem instantly since almost everyone will file taxes as employed (and therefore, productive) citizens of this great nation. Unemployment will be history. Not because the unemployed will all suddenly find gainful things to do, but because, on paper, nobody will be unemployed. Na rahega baans…

We should also tax farmers on the same principle, as well as those below the poverty line, infants, children, homemakers, retired people, the handicapped, and everyone who wishes to earn the right to be called an Indian. That way they get to prove their patriotism, and the we can boast 100% tax collection from 100% of our citizens, a unique feat in world history.

This will also instil nationalistic pride, raise enough money to cover our deficit, make us atma-nirbhar, and defeat socialistic and left-leaning forces of the urban (and non-urban) Naxals that have infested our minds with the slave mentality of enjoying government-built facilities without paying for them for the past 1000 years. Since Mughal times. I am not sure of this statistic, but it feels nice to say something that is bothering us today has been happening since the Mughal times. In fact, I’ll say it again. Since Mughal times. Felt nice, didn’t it?

Some fresh ideas.

Then, I have some other ideas that will help the government raise money and/or national morale:

All non-Hindus (or anyone the local administration or temple priest deems non-Hindu) must pay double the tax or, in lieu, shout three JSRs and six PKMKBs in front of the local mosque.
All self-identifying left liberals must pay double tax or, in lieu, post ‘Modi ka Parivar’, ‘Ayega to Modi hi’, and ‘Sher ko palaa hai to…’ once a day at the very least.
All military, police, and paramilitary personnel (including officers) must be converted to Agniveers and save the government pension and canteen facility money (as well as large amounts of ex-gratia payments in case of making the ultimate sacrifice). All grants to gallantry awardees stopped immediately (after all, they were paid to die, so why do they need to be awarded specially for just doing their duty, right?). This will add to the budget bottomline. Also, it will instil national pride. Especially amongst the armed forces, where patriotism seems to be weakening.
All administrative services (IAS, IRS, IPS, IFS, etc.) officers must be retired and the posts converted to lateral entry Agniveers (we shall call them Sevaveers) where the government would be free to appoint anyone it deems fit at any salary on any government post without any examination or selection. This will also be exempt from RTI. Once again, money saved and national pride instilled. Double benefit.
Railways, highways, airports, oil companies, BSNL, ISRO, and all PSUs must be sold to the highest bidder. This will get additional revenue. More money means India becomes a superpower faster.
Sell all educational institutes and institutes of higher learning and research laboratories. More revenue. You can almost see the Rupee signs in the FM’s eyes, a la a desi Scrooge McDuck!
Governments (both central and state) seem to own rather large pieces of land in prime locations. These are simply locked values lying there to be exploited for the national good. Sell all the land in the international markets and raise revenue. More dollars. More money to spend on national welfare. More. More. More.
Demonetise once again. All the currency. And this time, do not introduce new currency to replace the old. Force people to open bank accounts. Then, charge Minimum Balance Fees. More revenue! Money. More money. Even more money.

And one more thing.

Finally, the best idea that will ensure windfall gains for the exchequer and the nation: Privatise taxation.

This is how this works: Have an open bidding contest by any party (throw this open globally) who wishes to collect taxes from a particular region. You can create beautiful presentations with data about the potential for tax collection from each region as part of the prospectus to be distributed amongst interested parties (of course, they will need to deposit earnest money to get a copy and be listed as participants in the bidding process).

So, say, while a small district in Uttarakhand (say, Chamoli, with a GDP of merely ₹5,000 Cr) might get a smaller bid, a Mumbai Metropolis in Maharashtra (with a GDP of ₹25 lakh Cr) might see some competition. Of course, the mineral wealth, forests, usable real estate, rivers & water bodies present, etc., would be taken into consideration.

Mota mota yeh hai ki, once a party wins a bid to collect taxes for the next, say, five years, one only needs to take a one-time licence fee from them for the right to do so! In addition, one can then withdraw not just one’s tax-collecting teams but also the police and the judiciary and other administration from the area, encouraging the newly licensed tax-collecting corporation to appoint their own.

We could also do a deal with these tax collection agencies that maintain their own armies and administration that when the Indian government needs and commands them, they must send their uniformed forces to defend our borders. That way, we can dismantle our standing army. More money saved! Indeed, by appointing a ‘Resident’ who oversees the administration and tax collection in every tax-collecting region, we can streamline the process even further. This Resident will advise the regional government about day-to-day administration, as well as rush ‘military aid’ to them in case their security and/or safety is ever under threat. Of course, the regional government would pay a salary to this Resident. As you can see, even if it is a rather steep price, it is for the benefit of the country as a whole.

Imagine the revenue we can generate! Imagine what nation-building we can do!

I wish Nirmalaji and Modiji were at least as far-sighted as me. Or Nathan Poe, for that matter. Will she listen to the voice of sanity (that is, me)? She will, won’t she? Or do we need another Robert Clive to convince her? After all, if it worked in the eighteenth century, it will work now. India’s future, after all (as we have been told repeatedly), lies in her past, doesn’t it?