There is a certain breed of workplace toxicity that does not involve screaming bosses, unrealistic deadlines, or that one colleague who only emails at 11:57 p.m. just to remind everyone how busy they are. No, this one is far more insidious. It is the kind that comes disguised as team bonding, the kind that quietly dictates who gets ahead and who is left behind, not by competence, but by their enthusiasm for whisky, football trivia, and the inexplicable joy of running absurd distances at sunrise.
When Socialising Becomes a Job Requirement.
A dear friend of mine recently lost her job.
Not because she was incompetent. Not because she missed deadlines. Not because she was slacking.
She lost her job because she did not socialise enough.
She finished her work. She met expectations. But she did not linger after work smoking and discussing her manager’s sex life. She did not bond over overpriced beer. She did not feign interest in football transfers. And that, apparently, made her not a team player.
This is not an isolated case.
A quick scroll through Reddit will show you countless professionals lamenting the same thing. Career success no longer depends on competence alone but on whether you are part of the club.
Work Happens Outside Work.
Modern workplaces are not just about work. They are about being seen.
If you do not smoke, you are missing out on key discussions in the unofficial boardroom that is the designated smoking zone. If you do not drink, you are missing crucial career-making conversations over post-work pints. If you do not golf, you may as well draft your resignation letter because your boss is discussing strategy with someone else over eighteen holes.
And now, we have corporate fitness.
The marathoners, the cyclists, the aggressive motorcycling squads, and the terrifying breed of people who believe leadership is measured in kilometres. If you are not suffering through a half-marathon before work, clearly, you lack discipline.
Less empathy, less understanding, less inclusivity. And more of the testosterone-driven Andrew Tateian energy of
Can you handle a whisky and a deadlift?
But the real issue? Work decisions, promotions, projects, raises, happen in these exclusive spaces.
That chai break? That is where your next big opportunity is handed out. That post-work drinks session? That is where a promotion is hinted at. That Sunday bike ride? That is where leadership trusts their kind of people.
If you have a life outside of work, if you have family commitments, if you simply do not enjoy forced socialising, you are at a disadvantage.
The Self-Defeating Nature of This Culture.
Only a fraction of people thrive in this kind of environment. Most of them are men. Most of them are extroverts. Most of them are already privileged.
So, when companies use social bonding as an informal filter for promotions, they are not just making workplaces toxic. They are actively reducing their own talent pool.
A business should be selecting its future leaders from the best minds, the most innovative thinkers, the highest performers.
Instead, they are selecting the most well-networked.
By rewarding socialising over skill, companies are ignoring independent thinkers and deep workers. Not everyone excels at small talk over whisky.
Reinforcing the same old biases. The boys’ club keeps hiring and promoting people just like them.
Reducing diversity of thought. When leadership looks the same, they think the same. That is not innovation. That is stagnation.
Creating artificial barriers to leadership. Promotions should be earned through work, not weekend golf games.
A workplace should not be a popularity contest. And yet, here we are.
The Special Hell Reserved for Women.
Now imagine how much worse this is for women.
Most of the women I know do not want to stand in a smoke-filled corner listening to bad jokes about blondes, wives, women driving, and shopping.
But what is the alternative? Be labelled cold? Uptight? Unapproachable?
Women are expected to play along. Laugh at the sexist jokes just enough to fit in but not so much that they stop being taken seriously. If they opt out, they are not a team player. If they participate too much, they are trying too hard.
Meanwhile, these are often the very same women keeping the office running while the lads are out bonding over whisky.
I Was That Toxic Boss.
I have to be honest. I was part of the problem.
Image ‘Cartoonified’ to hide identities. The one pouring the drink is, of course, me.
Back in the late 1990s and early 2000s, I was that boss who would say,
Why did I not see you at the terrace smoke break? How is the team to believe you have their back?
I cringe thinking about it now.
At the time, it felt normal. Because that is just how things worked.
Even today, many workplaces still function like this. And now, with Meta rediscovering its masculine energy, Elon leading the charge against work-from-home laziness, and DEI policies being rolled back, it is only getting worse.
What Are We, as Leaders, Doing About This?
This is where I turn to the people who run companies.
HR professionals. Founders. Managers.
Are we even aware of this?
Are we okay with the fact that promotions and leadership opportunities are being handed out over drinks, smokes, and bike rides instead of in the workplace?
Are we fine with the fact that employees who do their work, and do it well, are getting sidelined because they are not part of the club?
And if we do know this is happening, what are we doing about it?
I know I have been part of the problem before. But now, I want to be part of the solution.
What about you?
