(Extracted from The Comprehensive History of the Twenty-First Century, Standard Indian Curriculum, Year 2103 Edition.)
Introduction.
This is an abridged history of the Last Great War that happened between 2025 and 2030, an event that reshaped the world not through wisdom, strategy, or morality but through sheer, unrelenting stupidity, which, we learnt, like energy, cannot be destroyed but merely changes form.
It was the war that began with an ill-advised tweet, ended the American Empire, humiliated Europe despite its victory, turned Russia back into the looting operation it always was, and converted BRICS from a promising alternative world order into a poorly managed WhatsApp group, with China as Admin.
It was a war in which:
- The United States tried to nuke a country just to remind people it still existed.
- China killed a million people. Because it could.
- Europe won the war even as it became indebted to China for eternity.
- Russia invaded five countries and promptly forgot why.
- Japan made a fortune by selling combat drones and tea ceremonies.
- India managed to both not fight and lose a war without anyone noticing.
- The International Space Station declared independence.
- And the Taliban, demonstrating more strategic patience than every Western general combined, simply sat back and watched America collapse.
Green is the new Red, White, and Blue.
The official declaration of war was signed by President Donald J. Trump, the self-proclaimed rightful heir to the Trump dynasty, thrice-married husband of an immigrant, the best father to the beautiful Ivanka, and, according to his supporters, the last true defender of Christian values and Western civilisation. His first act as President was to lay claim to the Gaza Strip, Canada, the Gulf of Mexico, and Greenland, declaring that these lands were “historically American” and had been “stolen” by “globalist traitors.” Except Gaza, which he claimed was part of his inheritance, and asked Israel to repossess it on his behalf.
When the Danish government, which administered Greenland, dismissed his claims as “absurdly uneducated,” the American President took this as an insult to the nation. In retaliation, he, after consulting with his most senior military advisors (former reality television hosts and a convicted fraudster), ordered an immediate invasion of Greenland, promising the American people that it would be
“a quick and beautiful war.”
It was not. But no one knew that just yet.
The United States military swiftly overran Greenland. The 60,000-ish residents were rather amused when 100,000 American troops (and 20 McDonald’s, 20 Starbucks, and 20 Tesla dealerships) suddenly made their appearance one day.
Unfortunately, no one had informed the President that Greenland was largely covered in ice and had no oil to drill. When reporters asked what strategic advantage Greenland provided, the White House Press Secretary simply replied,
“Greenland is a very special, very powerful place. We love Greenland. Green is President Trump’s favourite colour. Many people are saying it is the best land, and quite frankly, the people of Greenland are very happy to be part of America now.”
The people of Greenland had not been consulted. Mainly because there was “No data.”
Three days later, Europe declared war.
The Battle of Birmingham.
Germany, now the undisputed leader of the European Union, declared that
“America must be contained. The Orange Fascist leading his people to carnage must be stopped.”
The irony of this statement was not lost on historians.
The United Kingdom, still suffering from post-Brexit delusions of grandeur, declared its unwavering support for its historical ally, the United States, and declared war on Europe. For the second time in the 21st century.
Germany prepared for an invasion. Methodically, as usual. Preparing for a long-drawn-out conflict.
The British government, under its seventh Conservative Prime Minister (a man so forgettable that historians have to check his name each time he is mentioned) in ten years, shrilly declared that the British Empire would never fall.
It fell in six days.
The final battle took place in a pub in Birmingham, where a group of brave Englishmen, fuelled by warm lager and misplaced confidence, attempted to hold off a German mechanised division using barstools and football chants.
Their battle cry was recorded as:
“Come on then, you foreign bastards!”
The Germans, who had come prepared with actual weapons, were reportedly very confused by the whole situation. Before setting fire to the pub and sending the Brit lads in disarray, looking for crisps and curry to end the night, cribbing how it wasn’t cricket.
Thus, Britain fell.
The King, realising that there was nothing left to rule, moved to Canada and was later spotted working in a Tim Hortons. When asked for comment, he reportedly said,
“Thank God there’s coffee here. Back in England, I hated tea but was too embarrassed to say it.”
The War Expands.
Meanwhile, in the simmering Middle East, Israel’s occupation of Palestine had escalated into full-scale annexation (in the name of Trump, of course). The Gaza Strip, bombed beyond recognition, had been entirely seized. In a move widely condemned by every sane nation on Earth, Donald J. Trump, serving his second term as U.S. President, signed an executive order declaring Gaza “Trump Heights II,” a reference to the illegal settlements he had previously endorsed in the Golan Heights.
Palestinians who survived the assault were given three choices:
- Relocate to the Sinai desert by themselves (which Egypt refused to allow).
- “Voluntarily” resettle in Chad (a country whose government first learnt of this plan through Twitter).
- Die.
In retaliation, Iran and Turkey launched a joint attack on Israeli military bases in Saudi Arabia, which the Saudi royal family presumed were a secret.
The United States, contractually obligated to defend Israel no matter what lunacy it committed, responded with a bombing campaign on Damascus, Sa’na, and parts of southern Lebanon, none of which were either in Iran or Turkey. Geography is hard. Especially if you are American.
“But at least those aren’t in Saudi Arabia,”
one Saudi royal stated with visible relief to Fox & Friends as they interviewed him from their studio; he coming live from Long Beach, California, where he was on vacation with his family. For the past two decades.
The world was engulfed in a war. Again.
How the World Aligned.
By the time the war turned global, nations had chosen their sides, not based on ideology, but on who they hated the least. Or who attacked whom first.
- The United States, the United Kingdom, India, Israel, Australia, New Zealand, Iraq, and Saudi Arabia formed the New Western Coalition, a name historians now consider the worst branding failure after Vanilla Coke in history.
- China, Egypt, North Korea, Iran, Germany, and the European Union formed the Global Stability Pact, which was neither global nor particularly stable.
- South America remained officially neutral but sold weapons to both sides. Brazil, still pretending to be a functional democracy, spent most of the war live-streaming TikTok dances and motorcycle wheelies.
- Japan and South Korea allied with China, correctly guessing that the United States was a sinking ship and it was best to abandon it before the screaming started. However, they refused to send any real soldiers, given that most of their population was 50 years old on average. However, China could have as many drones and robots they wanted.
- Other Southeast Asian nations didn’t notice there was a war. They were too busy catering to the Japanese and Russian tourists who had another sort of invasion going on on the side, most of which involved food, alcohol, sex, the sea, and the sand. These countries were also where spies met spies, sipped Mai Tais, and wrote books about spies, to be published later.
- Africa, as usual, was divided against itself. South Africa, under the rule of Elon Musk, aligned with the U.S. after Musk declared himself “Supreme Technoking of the Afrikaners.” Most of West Africa sided with China, though their involvement in the war was mostly economic, given that China already owned almost anything of value they possessed.
- Nigeria and Chad were annexed by the U.S. without warning, under the justification that they were “key energy assets.” Nigerian and Chadian people would only notice this when the war ended, and America lost.
- Ethiopia, the only African country that had successfully repelled European colonisation in history, prepared to do it again. Nobody cared, though, and throughout the war, the Ethiopian Army remained on high alert without any action.
- Russia, ever the opportunist and having learnt from past miscalculations, maintained strategic ambiguity for as long as possible. It was only when the United States suffered a humiliating defeat in Canada that Russia saw its moment. Under the pretext of “restoring order,” Russian troops invaded Ukraine, Poland, Finland, Kazakhstan, and parts of Mongolia as if they were collecting overdue library books. The world expected the United States to respond forcefully. It did. Their President tweeted, “Russia is doing a terrific job in Ukraine. Very strong. Very powerful. Best troops.” Russia later joined the Global Stability Pact. After it had won the war.
- The only European nation to stay neutral was, no, not Switzerland, but Liechtenstein, where they stayed safe and comfortable throughout the duration without being invaded, mainly because no one, not the Americans nor Europeans, knew where their country actually was.
- Far away in the caves of Afghanistan, the Taliban leadership looked at each other and, with a Napoleonic shrug, decided not to disturb the enemy when it was making a mistake.
- High above, the International Space Station boldly declared independence as the Sovereign Republic of Low Earth Orbit, and despite both the USA and China’s attempts to alternately bomb it and woo it to their respective sides, maintained a rather otherworldly peace through the war. Literally.
India’s Illusion of Choice.
When the war began, India found itself at a crossroads. Or actually not, as India soon discovered. Like all the previous global wars, India entered it without having consented to it. But because it was told to do so.
For years, India had been in steady decline under Prime Minister Narendra Modi, an ageing strongman who, by the time of the war, had developed a reputation for
- having no idea what he was talking about;
- insisting that he knew exactly what he was talking about;
- accusing everyone else of having no idea of what they were talking about; and
- creating acronyms that sounded cool, though mostly only to him.
By this point, the Indian government was in complete disarray. Prime Minister Modi was a confused, lost man whose own party had spent decades hollowing out the media and press, hijacking every democratic and military institution, pitting citizens against one another in an elaborate game of communal politics, and ensuring that any dissent was silenced in favour of blind devotion, thereby leaving him with not just an inflated sense of self-importance, but also no opposition to question his, frankly, questionable decisions.
When President Trump demanded that India join the war on America’s side, Modi, whose cognitive abilities had by then been reduced to a series of pre-programmed teleprompted slogans, immediately complied.
Historians note that the official reasoning given for this decision was “strategic partnership,” though leaked transcripts reveal that the actual conversation went as follows:
Trump: “Join the war, or we stop buying your stuff.”
Modi: “Vasudhaiva kutumakam. India is the mother of…”
Trump: “Are you with us or against us? Or should I nuke Dhaka?”
US General: “Sir, Dhaka is in Bangladesh.”
Trump: “So?”
Modi: “India stands with Trump Sarkar.”
Trump: “Beautiful. And who are you again?”
Modi: Laughing embarrassedly. “Hee Hee Hee.”
Trump: “Don’t just stand there. Buy F-35s. Any questions?”
Modi: “How many, Sir?”
Thus, India entered the war as part of the New Western Coalition under the leadership of a man who did not remember entering the war at all or how he ended up with so many Harley-Davidsons, Teslas, and F-35s.
Amidst this maelstrom, an interim government of the escaped and exiled was forged in Singapore. Known as Ārẓī Ḥukūmat-e-Āzād Hind, this was the band of honourable people that eventually took over the remains of the post-war country and are now part of the democratically elected Government of The Second Republic of India.
Nuclear Show Offs.
In a final, grotesque display of power, both China and the United States resorted to nuclear demonstrations, targeting the innocents to show off their might.
- On 4 July 2029, the United States attempted to launch ICBMs on Mali, a country with no stake in the conflict, merely to remind China who was the boss, an act that the U.S. Secretary of Defence later shrugged and explained away with, “The President thought it to be a good idea at the time.” However, due to all maintenance staff being fired by D.O.G.E in 2025, every one of them malfunctioned. Indeed, none of America’s nuclear missiles went anywhere further than the Atlantic Ocean, causing destruction only to a solitary sperm whale and a bowl of petunias that had appeared out of thin air; no one knows where from or why.
- China, seeing just the chance, nuked Taiwan. Just because. A million people died. When questioned on the destruction, the Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party responded with a shrug and the words,
“These things happen”
(though we are sure they were said in Mandarin).
The Endgame.
By 2030, the United States, economically devastated, militarily exhausted, and diplomatically isolated, finally collapsed when the President was forced to flee to his golf club in Florida, which had by then seceded from the Union and declared itself an independent monarchy under King Ron the First. There, he attempted to take over by inviting the King to a skins game of golf, during which he was caught changing his ball whilst in the rough off the 7th fairway, arrested for treason, and sent to Europe, where he was imprisoned on the island of Elba for the rest of his life.
Europe, under German leadership, declared victory. The German Chancellor delivered a speech in front of the ruins of the White House, saying,
“We have restored peace to the world. This time, we are the good guys.”
Half a world away, in Beijing, the Chinese Communist Party ended its Emergency Plenary Session by passing unanimously a bill to congratulate the Chairman for a war well won. A standing ovation followed.
And now, Europe owes China ten trillion dollars, a debt that shall be converted to Yuan, and which the “victorious” European powers are expected to spend the next century paying.
The irony was lost on no one. Least of all, Elon, who was being sworn in as the new President of the United States of Deutschland.
Epilogue: Lessons for the Future.
There are no grand lessons. Make what you will of it. It’s history, anyway. And in the long run, we are all fucked.
Caveat Lector: This whole thing is a satire, a fake ‘history’ of the future, written as a warning to us, the people of 2025. Images are AI-generated, and the entire story is fake (as fake as Elon Musk’s ‘genius’). As if you need to be told. No, wait. Scratch that last line.
