The six rules of our family.

Dear Kymaia,

This week was the first time you lied to me. It was a trivial matter, but you thought it might make me mad if you told me the truth. It took me three days of talking to you about this to finally get you to confess. And when you did, you realised that the only thing that made me upset was the lying, not the action itself.

We both cried. But it felt good. Sometimes, crying can open up that small but important container of your mind that stores bad things like sadness, pain, humiliation, fear, and even guilt and release these horrible things to make space. It is necessary once in a while to clean that part, just like we take out the garbage regularly.

And then, we went over the six rules of the family, which I inherited from my parents and, I suppose, they inherited from theirs. Your Ajoba-Aaji never enumerated them, and they stayed unsaid throughout our childhood. But we knew they existed because we were held accountable to them, in a way.

You and I already know these rules. We have discussed them many times, and I’ve answered most of your questions about them. This is the first time, though, that I am putting them down in an orderly way.

As you know, each rule flows from the other and is arranged logically, though the order can and will change from case to case and issue to issue. What is more important is that they work together, and they make sense, or at least enough sense to allow you to lead a happy, fulfilling life that extracts joy from its surroundings without depleting it for others to attain the same from it.

So, without further ado, here we go.

Rules of the Gadgil Family:

1. No lying. Unless you are saving a life or using it to surprise someone who will be happy to have been surprised when they find out.
2. No selfishness. Unless you are conducting a business where selfishness is presumed, even in which case, fair play must be the norm. Also, being unselfish (I did not say selfless; that is another thing altogether) means you cannot lie.
3. No going back on your word. Even if it means you stand to lose something. You cannot unilaterally renegotiate a deal post ipso facto unless both sides are willing to give it a once-over. Keeping promises means you neither lie nor are selfish. Staying true to your word isn’t possible without honesty and unselfish behaviour.
4. No cowardice. Stand up for what is right. Do not back down. No retreat, no surrender in the face of injustice. Remember that while fear is normal, and most certainly, you are allowed to be scared, letting it control your actions is not. You must be fearless if you have to be honest, unselfish, and someone who keeps their word. If you lie, be selfish in your dealings, or break promises, you are a coward. And that is a cuss word.
5. Be loyal. Towards family, friends, your community, your society, your nation, and your profession/vocation/employer, in no specific order (because this changes from time to time and case to case). This is the hallmark of a good human. Loyalty means you are honest and unselfish, you keep your word, and you do not allow the fear of anyone or anything to control your decisions. If people can depend on you, whether to keep a secret or to back them up in a fight, whether in a money matter or an emotional issue, you will generally find that you can depend on them (well, more or less; but I’ll let life teach you about this).
6. Be empathetic. Towards every living being. Without empathy, none of the above have any meaning. Your intelligence, your money, your fame, your success, your looks, your possessions, your genes, your inheritance, your passport, your position, your education, your culture, your history, your personality, even your supposed values, nothing matters if you have no empathy. Your ability to put yourself into someone else’s shoes and then do unto them as you would have done to you will decide how much happiness you attract to yourself in your life.

I will now leave you to think about these, but with a single caveat: These are not watertight, exhaustive, or have or claim any divine origin. They are not rigid to the point that one cannot break or bend them, modify or change them, add to them or even discard some or all of them in circumstances that my ancestors or I may not have considered. Only the last one is important. You may use that one as a yardstick to decide which others to follow or break, who to do it with, and when to do so. Empathy is the only non-negotiable. As long as you remember that, I think you’ll be fine.

Lastly, remember that despite what awaits you in your life, whatever happens, there will never be a time when telling me the truth will hurt me more than keeping it from me. At the end of the day, you know that I will be ‘Team Kymaia’ forever. Right, Partner?

Yours forever,
Baba Bear

P.S.: It’s been so long since I called you ‘Partner’! I think I’ll use it more often now that you are getting older, and being called Ms Kym-Kym or Baby Bear may not really be something you’d prefer in front of your friends now, right? So, as we go off to another party (yep, we love drinking, dancing, talking, and making new friends!) and leave you and Maryam to your devices for another night, I am happy to note that you crossed one more milestone in your life. You are growing up. And I am so proud.