Peace.
I turn 50 today, and I have decided on something really big (for me) on this momentous (again, for me) day. It took a lot of thought, and will take even more courage to implement in real life. But, I think it is the right time.
I have gotten rid of quite some physical, and dog-knows emotional, baggage over the past few months, shifting out of my marital home permanently, sorting out the last 100 years of my family’s history and records, buying that motorcycle I have always wanted, launching my blog (another one on the bucket-list), starting my daily exercise and diet (no, not to put myself back on the market; just to lead a healthier life), closing down my companies and the family Trust, adjusting to (or at least trying very hard) a new life (and a new future), finding (or at least attempting to find, since the search is still on) new friends and fresh professional opportunities, and generally trying to leave the past behind and move on.
As I shed these burdens, I realise that most of them were needless and only served to slow me down and tire me out. There is no point in carrying stuff you know is harmful for you, even if at one time, you thought you were right. Indeed, as I grow older, I am less and less sure about who or what is right and who or what is wrong. The lines blur and sometimes, even overlap. The more I learn, the more I realise how little I know, or can know. Of what use then the poison, the bile, the bitterness inside me that I have kept stored for people who I think have wronged me?
So, what’s the big decision? It’s this:
To all those who have hurt me in any way, big or small, now or in the past, to all those who have abused me, physically or mentally, to all those who have betrayed my trust and confidence, to all those who have stolen from me, to all those who have lied and cheated (and cheated on) me, to all those who have caused financial, material, emotional, sexual, or spiritual damage to me and my soul, to all those whose anger, hate, jealousy, and pity I have carried inside of me like a corrosive acid that has been eating up my insides for the past almost 50 years: I forgive you. I forgive you without apologies or conditions. I forgive you without the expectation of reparations or retribution. I forgive you without shame or guilt, either yours or mine. I forgive you even without you asking me to, or caring about it. I forgive you without an agenda or expectation of similar forgiveness from your end, if I have ever done something to deserve it. I forgive you without greed or fear, or any hope of the so-called ‘karma’ getting you and I enjoying the Schadenfreude. I forgive you for no other reason but that I wish to forgive and be freed in return. And I forgive myself in return for carrying you inside me for all these years.
As you can see, I am taking Baba’s recommendation to jettison excess baggage so that it does not burden me when I pick up the pieces and attempt to fly once again.
And I am already feeling lighter.
P.S: I have forgiven you, but, and I say this with the utmost humility, I shall never trust you again. I am sorry, but I am, at the end of the day, only human.
